What Not To Do....

Things I have done that I would not recommend pregnant gals doing:

1) Sleeping in a friend's condo, just hours after it had been painted
2) Sleeping in that same condo in a double bed with my friend, her boyfriend and my dog
3) Getting a massage on your stomach (bumpy yet or not), the fear of something going wrong killed my ocean side couple massage at the Four Seasons. Not to mention the asshole massage therapist that was pushing down on my lower back enough to induce an abortion.
4) I would recommend that if you are in that aforementioned situation, you speak up and tell him to stop and allow you to roll to your side, I was too shy and regretted it for days.
5) Going for an open door helicopter ride. Bad idea. I didn't understand why the pilot called us adrenaline junkies, until I was reaching for the vomit bag.
6) I didn't find out where the vomit bag was before the flight took off. I actually had a mouth full of puke that I was swallowing and re puking as I tried to sign language to the Man that I needed a bag because I couldn't open my mouth and press the speaker button to tell the pilot. Always know where you are going to puke before you puke, especially in a very windy, open door helicopter with strangers.
7) Going to a Hawaiian Luau. Which is essentially a festival of eating lots of meat and watching skinny ladies shake it. Apparently pig that has been roasted in the ground beneath leaves and such for hours may pose a threat to a pregnant woman's fragile GI system. I spent New Years Eve realizing this.
8) Telling ladies at a Doula workshop that you are pregnant. I was still unsure of whether I was going to keep the babe, and they were busy telling me about their experiences, offering their doula services, mocking baby showers and boasting about blessing ceremonies......
9) Talking face to face with your partner after he has had gum surgery and not washed his bleeding teeth and wounds for five days, I still love you but....
10) Having your parents and the in-laws stay with you for a week while you are still in the first trimester and nauseated and bitchy and bitchy and bitchy....another really bad idea.
11) Going into McDonald's when you are nauseated. Eating it is okay, but I would recommend sending someone else or driving thru, the smell and sights of that place are enough to make me wanna....
12) Telling realtors you are pregnant. It suddenly becomes all about the children that are so far from being children rather than what we want.
13) Telling your friends about potential baby names. If they hate it, and they tell you, you will hate them. If they like it, they might steal it. It's a tricky spot, keep it inside.
14) Wearing super high heels and super tight pants (3 months preggers), riding a party bus through downtown, over several bridges, surrounded by drunken ladies throwing themselves on each other and inadvertently into bus benches and windows. Violent, bruises, out of control, very bad place to be pregnant.
15) Working at a stinky sushi restaurant during the nauseated stages.... A sushi restaurant that specializes in deep fried everything smothered in mayo....
16) Wrestling with your boxer pup who happens to be waist high on hind legs. She tends to live up to her name and has thrown a couple jabs into the belly, bit uncomfortable.
17) Going into an East Hasting hotel. Going into an East Hasting hotel and watching someone puke and having someone smoke in your face for an hour.
18) Riding a scooter in the blistering rain. It's a bit scary, and super depressing. And the road rage I have had lately should be guarded by a seat belt and a heavy door, not the easy access of swinging my fist into any asshole's window.
19) Buying lots of really nice, costly, tight fitting clothes that you think will last you a few months when you first get pregnant. Water retention.
20) Going over to your skinny friends house to try on dresses when you still don't have a bump but have still gotten bigger. The zippers wouldn't budge, it was a tad embarrassing.
21) Trying to get a job, when you are nauseated, exhausted and sometimes in a very bad mood. Perhaps the problem may lie in getting pregnant before having a secure full time job.
22) Prenatal yoga prior to having a protruding belly, see last post.
23) Reading about anybody else's pregnancy experience. It's contagious, what they feel you will start to feel. If your feet haven't swollen yet and you read about it, you will notice your feet start to bulge. If you are pregnant, stop reading. Sign off. Go watch Friends, and not the ones where Rachel is pregnant!
24) Sleeping on a blow up mattress that has been known to leak. Sleeping is hard enough these days and dreams are crazy enough, but that night I had to pump the mattress every hour and I couldnt stop dreaming about sinking on the Titanic. And if you aren't already slightly larger, you will steel feel massive in the morning when you can't get out of bed because you are sinking and have to call for help. But really, thank you for letting me stay over, just please get rid of your mattress.

Prenatal "Yoga"

I have never been much of a fan of yoga. I prefer fast moving, high adrenaline activities where there is no time to think and realize that I am extremely uncomfortable or scared shitless. These days, however, I enviously eye mountain bikers unloading their gear, MMA fighters on the television, and even runners sprinting their hearts out in the trails. These past few months, I have become a a spokesperson for moderation, the old me's nemesis. I take days off from exercise, hell I take weeks off and sit on the couch and eat salty comfort foods. I head out for runs and end up walking the entire time. I have had my swimming gear in my back seat for two months and have not gotten my feet wet (since the day my swimming pal told me she saw a belly protruding). And I am happy to spend the entire day inside in my pajamas reading books, and even cooking, (for those of you who don't know me: this is insanely abnormal). I have even considered taking up knitting, along with my new casserole obsession. And yoga, the fact that I have attended more than one class a week is indicative of the change in my exertion preferences. This slow moving activity, the deep breathing and long breaks, is tempting and relaxing at times. I have been going to Iyengar, Hatha, Yin, Kundalini and Power on the good days. At the beginning of each class I make an awkward introduction to the instructor and tell them, complete strangers, that I am pregnant. They then instruct me on what I can and cannot do, each instructor with a different mantra. I have heard "no twists, no lying on the belly, no lying on your back, don't strain, no hot yoga, twist but not too much, no inversions, do anything that feels right: you will know if its not right (to that teacher I should have said: nothing feels right!)" And the best advice, given by a highly respected male instructor : "try out a prenatal yoga class they will tell you what you can and can't do".

So I took the plunge last Thursday and made my way to my first, and potentially last prenatal yoga class. I arrived a tad early which is not a comfortable place for me to be. I don't know what to do when I am early for yoga classes, and at a prenatal yoga class I found out that women just talk about their babies and their plans and yada yada. I have yet to buy anything for my babe, I have no plans, I have no idea where we will live in six months let alone what colour the nursery will be! I opted for silence. Before entering the studio I was stopped by the cashier and told "this is a prenatal yoga class". I gathered that she thought I was either too skinny to be pregnant, or too young to possibly be pregnant and showing my face amongst the older thirty and forty year olds. I smiled, said nothing and entered the class. I sat on my mat and stretched in silence with no clue what to anticipate. I listened to the instructor walk around and introduce herself to the new members. I realized that there were women in the class who were far less pregnant than me, but seemed by visual speculation, much further along. They had bumps, where is my bump? I should remember to take another pregnancy test soon if a bump does not present. I introduced myself and told her I was 16 weeks and had done yoga before and avoided her eye contact while she smiled and stared at me in this odd spiritual way that is supposed to transcend silence, but made me feel more awkward still. And that was just the beginning.

I want to sum the class up in one paragraph. Basically we spent less than a quarter of the time on our feet, the majority of the class sitting cross legged and the end sleeping in the fetal position. It seemed more like a spiritual dance and chant class than yoga. We belly danced for a good ten minutes, again very awkwardly and hollered out whatever we 'needed to'. I must admit I enjoyed the belly dancing music and asked the Man to make me a cd when I got home. Everything I hated during the class, I look back on with a meek fondness. I can't remember the last time I danced like that, freely, out of rhythm, and sober. Likely not anytime after the age of 12. And we even did some breathing exercises where we hummed nursery rhymes. I don't know any nursery rhymes, so I was horrible at this, but learning important mothering skills, I think. If I do go back, which I doubt I will for a long time. Until I can't do normal yoga anymore, or I can't run freely or go to the gym with my head held high. Until that moment, I may not go back. But if I do go back, there will be two reasons, neither of them related to the physical benefit of the practice. The first is the constant humiliation I felt in the class. Rarely do I feel that stupid and uncomfortable. But, birth can often feel that way too. I can imagine feeling awkward screaming in pain, or moaning or kneeling on all fours or squatting over a toilet with a doula, a midwife, my Man and others surrounding me. I also realize that the awkwardness may cause me to clench up, to tighten my muscles and my being and make birthing impossible. This class encourages us to feel stupid and enjoy it, relax and do what feels right in front of a room full of strangers. The second important lesson was learned in the last ten minutes before shavasana (sleep time) when we stuck our arms straight up in the air and waved them up and down like birds, for ten minutes straight. My shoulders hurt after one minute. But she said we could not stop, we had to push through and so on. I am a sucker for the mantra "no pain no gain" so I jumped on this exercise as soon as she yelled "don't give up!" I watched some ladies put their arms down and my competitive edge kicked in and I flapped harder and stronger. She said "do whatever you have to but continue flapping!" I found myself closing my eyes and rotating my spine in large circles and nodding my head up and down and visualizing myself running around the last corner on a track (the worst part of my race when I ran the 800m), but in my vision I was kicking and getting stronger, I think I even saw a six pack bursting out as I continued to the finish line. And then for the first time ever a vision of me birthing popped into my mind. I was crying and sweating and looked like I was in agony, and for some reason I was flapping my arms as distraction. And I endured, I continued to circle my spine and flap my arms and tried to relax my muscles and rest whilst still contracting the muscles. My arms got warm and tingly and soft and relaxed and the pain began to vanish and it started to feel like I could continue forever...."Stop!" Back to reality, back to the awkward yoga class with older women with bigger bellies and more confident belly dancing. Back to the real me, but just a little bit more prepared perhaps.

Would I recommend prenatal yoga? Its hard to say after just one class. But I can imagine, for some women that have never exercised, doing anything during pregnancy (even if its dancing and arm flapping, aka 'yoga') is better than sitting at home eating chips and McDonalds. For others who are more active and continuing to work-out during pregnancy, I would say to try it out, but not to expect a work out physically but rather mentally. I will warn you to be prepared for the gushy, flowery lingo and the constant hugging of your 'babies'. This I was not prepared for, you see I have yet to develop an attachment to my 3 oz. baby because I have yet to see it bulge from my belly. I need a visual bump before I hug my baby and talk to my baby and sing disjointed nursery rhymes. After that class, I feel that I may be alone with my feelings of disconnect. Perhaps tonight I will belly dance and hmmm and haaa and hug my baby and work on that 'bond' in the privacy of my home and the company of myself.