Sweet Dreams

Last night I dreamt that my Boy had turned into a completely psychotic murderer. The vividness with which I remember my dreams these days is causing a bit of chaos in my daily life. I woke up and would not let him touch me. I hated him, he was a psycho. I tolhd him everything he had done and why I never wanted to see him again.

In my dream I was in a weird basement with him. He was freaking me out by giving me crazy eyes and chasing me around as if to kill me. His friend came down the stairs and I said that he was scaring the shit out of me, could he help me? The friend tried to calm him down, in the end the Boy took his friend by the head and violently beat it against a concrete sink until he went limp and then he proceeded to cut off his limbs. bloody. He then did this to another friend who came down the stairs. I ran upstairs to his brothers (he doesnt actually have brothers??), and told them to help me. Everyone remained calm, as if this was normal. He was always insane. As if he apparently resided in the basement and killed friends on a regular basis. It then occured to me that I had to have an abortion. I was carrying a part-monster child and the Boy would forever want to be in my life. As you can imagine, I woke up beside Him but wanting to be nowhere near him. Realizing it had been a dream I still had to confront him. He had to answer questions in a sleepy daze "would you ever kill anyone? Are you ever going to become violent? Would you ever hit me? Are you insane?" I'm sure he was begging the same question in his head, but as usual he patiently stroked my paranoia until I realized he was an okay guy afterall.

According to a Pregnancy Book my mother gave me, it is perfectly normal to have wild and vivid dreams. Part of the reason is hormones and part of the reason is that when your pregnant you have to pee so often that you never really fall into REM therefore you always remember the dreams you wake from. Apparently, it is also common to dream of having sex, vivid sex, with all of the people you have been with. No comment. This, according to the book, is because the woman is going through an important life change and is moving on; but she is revisiting these events in her dreams before she moves on. Sleep has become quite an event as of late. I have woken in the middle of the night screaming out "Did you lick my nipple?", "Why did you lick my nipple!" Or accusing my Boy of cheating, or of feeling that I myself have cheated. It all feels so real, I can't discern which is life and which is a vivid dream.

To top off my morning of paranoia and psychotic Boys, I wolfed down a quick bowl of cereal and jumped in the shower in a mad rush for work. I brushed my teeth, in the shower of course, and when cleaning my tongue (doesn't everyone?) I hit the back of my throat ever so lightly. Gag reflex. Puke everywhere. In the shower of all places, in the drain, on my feet, even stuck in between my freshly brushed teeth. I have come to realize that as a late person, being pregnant has placed a whole new set of boundries in my way to forever make it impossible for me to be on time.