In the past two days I have started to grow quite fond of the idea of having a lil one. This is a good thing I realize, because it is happening, whether I want it to or not. But this has not been how I have felt all along. I have cried, a lot. I am not a person who cries, ever. I did not cry at my father's funeral, nor my grandmother, nor for any sad reason whatsover. But in the past three months the only routine thing I have done each and every day is shed a tear or two. Now, they have not all been tears for self pity. This has been the itinerary: At first I cried because I was scared shitless. Then I cried because I didn't want to get fat. Then I cried when I gained weight (and this is just the beginning). Then I cried because I didn't want to do it alone, away from support in Toronto. Then I cried because my Boy wasn't meeting enough friends in Vancouver. Then I cried because he was at the bar with friends. Then I cried because he was at the bar again with friends. Then I cried because he was at work (I got a little needy for a while). I cried because we live in a rental house, unstable. Then I cried when we were looking at houses to buy because "I never wanted a family or to own a house!". When we couldn't buy the house I cried again. I cried because I missed eating the food I loved. I cried before Christmas because I wanted family to be with us for Christmas and it didn't seem like it would ever happen. Then I cried at Christmas, alot, because the in-laws were here and my mom was here, and it was too much to handle. And in Maui, I cried lots in Maui. Mainly because I felt so sick. I was so tired of puking, not doing anything, being so hot and then having food poisoning. I remember crying as I puked in a bowl looking in the mirror (I got too lazy to walk to the bathroom). There were many more emotional cries: which is quite normal or so I'm reassured by others. But the cries I haven't come to understand are the ones for no apparent reason. When I read a story about a lady dying in a plane crash I sob ten times then resume my day. Today I read an article about a lady having an abortion: ten short sobs. A girl breaks up with her boyfriend in a movie, sob. A hooked died in my book, sob. And so on, its completely uncontrollable. I have never felt so much emotion in my life. I have never reacted so easily. All of the cliches about pregnant women...they are somewhat true.
Pregnant women are nauseated: true. They are emotional: very true. They have gas: gross but true. They get constipated: true. They are needy: true. They get hungry alot; true (and then nauseated if they don't eat: true). But the sayings which I looked forward to: the pregnancy glow and 2nd trimester energy boost? I have yet to see this. I am pimply, very very pimply. And I am exhausted, day in and day out I want to sit on my ass and do nothing. And horny? I am so tired and nauseated and did I mention tired, and look where sex got us in the first place.
One last thing about the crying: the day before I did a pregnancy test I booked a doctors appointment. You see I had started crying and never in my life have I cried more than once in a six month period. I get angry, yes, but not sad very often. So this crying thing had started but it would end just as soon as it started. Within seconds I could wipe my eye and be laughing and joking away. It was insane. I seriously questioned my sanity. So I booked an appointment to ask the doctor if I was bipolar. The next day I did a pregnancy test and it made a bit more sense. I did go in for that doctor's appointment, but it was simply to confirm my pregnancy and the beginning of an emotional experiment.
