Too Late

I am a perpetually late person. I was raised by a mother who was always late. My siblings and I never ate breakfast, we arrived at school with disheveled hair, unfed and unprepared for the day, but with the same pride that I still carry today: proud to have showed up at all.

We considered having babies. For about forty five minutes, half joking. We were joking about the Boy's grandfather wanting to have a grandchild and that we felt obliged to provide it for him. It was nothing more than a joke. Combined with a cold night watching "Away We Go" which is about a young couple in their sixth month of pregnancy (making it all look easy, fun and not nauseating at all) and we morphed our mellow conversation into the decision to pull the goalie. The goalie for the last two months was YAZ. Only two months, thats right. Before that the goalie had been a mix of condoms, pulling out and pure luck.

I grew up not wanting children. Or saying I didn't want children but hesitating momentarily in my mind at the thought. I wasn't completely sure. I am sure that I have never ever had an aching desire to procreate and to raise little ones. I have never desired to own anything, be it car, house, scooter, dog, or Boy! Owning, possessing, committing or whichever verb is used, it intimidates me to the point where I make a life changing decision and run full tilt the opposite direction. But I am now living a life shared with a partner I love, with a dog I adore and owning several possessions including bikes, scooters and other such stuff. But that does not mean I am dreaming of houses and babies and other such stuff just yet. In time perhaps, but not yet. I have just finished school, am battling to be interviewed for a job I might like and am reconnecting in a city I left years ago. We are so far from settled.

So we pulled the goalie. For twenty eight days. For twenty eight days we fought, had sex maybe four times and fought some more. The commitment thing apparently feared us both. We both decided to put the goalie back in place, for sanity sake. What were we thinking? We were too young! We hadn't traveled yet. We didn't even know if this was forever. We were just at the beginning. We were both just settling into the city. We didn't have enough friends in Vancouver yet. Our families were miles and miles away. We couldn't do it alone. We didn't want to. Not yet. This wasn't right. So we decided to put the goalie back in. But it was too late.

We talked in a joking manner during a movie about having kids, for the first time ever, and we pulled the goalie. Then, three weeks later we had a more lengthy, diplomatic and rationale conversation where we realized we were not ready for that commitment. But in that three weeks our indecisive and impulsive natures had gotten the best of us, or the fate monkey had shat all over us. Whatever the reason, today, before taking my first pill I did a pregnancy test. Then I did another one. And then, just to confirm I did one more. Three positives. Three strikes. Too late.

I went back to bed. I am visiting friends and family in Toronto. The boy is in Vancouver. I can't tell him on the phone. I don't know what to do. So I am back in bed and staring at the ceiling. Waiting for something to happen.