Shock Value

I am ready to tell people. It's not that I haven't told people. If you have made eye contact with me in the past three months it is likely that I have disclosed my little secret to you, I can't keep a secret. But if perhaps, you are far away, or we have not had time to sit and chat, then you are still in the dark. Or were in the dark if you haven't caught on by now. Please do not be offended that you were not one of the first to know. You see, I think I informed people in a subconsciously deranged manner. First I told all of my good friends who I knew would support me. Then I told my friends who had kids because I knew they would convince me it was a good thing, then I told all of my other friends who I knew wanted kids soon or loved kids so much that they would be excited to be near a new kid. But those that I knew would talk some sense into me, I avoided. Those of you who would look me in the eye and really want to know how I was feeling: you are definitely some of the last to know. Because it has taken a long time to become comfortable with the idea of it. I have fluttered back and forth from yes to no, from travel to mother, from run to stay. But I am here. I am staying here. I am now ready to look you in the eye and tell you that I am excited. Not necessarily ready, but ready to try to get ready. Once I stop puking that is.

I am 13 weeks and 1 day pregnant. I am in my second trimester, but I am still sick. Since week 12 I have puked everyday. No more are the days of unproductive dry retching, now I am projectile vomiting. Today I was driven from Squamish to Vancouver by a friend and her husband. I tried bitterly to talk to whole way while shifting my feet nervously from side to side. Her car was starting to remind me of the open door helicopter I had puked in last week in Maui. I was prepared this time, however, I had an airplane puke bag in my purse. But I was able to hold it from Squamish all the way to the West end where we stopped to let her husband out and I proceeded to let out my entire breakfast and some of dinner as well. I puked into the little white bag that I had carried around just in case. I stumbled away from her car in broad daylight in the busiest area of all of Vancouver and puked relentlessly into a little white bag. My friend sent her husband after me and he awkwardly asked if I was okay. I tried to respond but didn't realize I was still heaving so I puke/yelled/heaved "I can't believe....huuuuuuh....that I am puking......huhhhhh into a bag.......huhhhhhh......outside!" He tried to get closer to me accidentally let my dog out of the car and they both started coming towards me. But you see, puking has become a bodily function to me. I am not drunk, I do not want my hair to be held, it is the same as shitting, I want you to leave me alone. So I stumbled away and he continued following me, I think he was nearly crying because he didn't want to help me but his wife had sent him after me. Eventually I sealed the bag and was shocked to have him, a squeamish, hungover, very stoned engineer, grab my puked filled white paper bag and apologize for me feeling so sick. I was shocked and impressed but kind of disgusted to see him walk away with my bodily fluid teetering on the edge of spillage before him. But then again, last week it had been a complete stranger at the heliport taking my fluids away from me. These are some of the things I have gotten used to in the past few months. These are the days of my life now.

After that episode I came home, puked some more, had a grilled cheese sandwich lovingly prepared by my Boy and proceeded to spend the day flat on my back sipping gatorade and nibbling pringles and pretzels. I also finally began the blog that I have thought about writing everyday since I saw that second stripe. But you see, its hard to write when you feel like puking, can't sit up, can't lie on your stomach and your head is throbbing to the point that you can't open your eyes. Creativity is nowhere to be found on those days. But the blog is now up, and my scribble will continue (and I will attempt to back date previous important dates in the past two months) for the next seven or so months. I promise you it won't be flowery. I have yet to see the beauty of pregnancy. I am getting fatter, I have more pimples than when I was 15, even on my chest. And the mood swings, I can't wait to bring you into this world of mine. I do hope you'll join.

PS I can't help but admit that I watched "Julie and Julia" last week and my secret desire to have a book published one day might fuel me to continue this blog. That and a purpose for each and every nauseating day.