I am lazy. I am starting to think that I have always been lazy, but now that I am pregnant I am especially lazy. Our city is the host to the 2010 winter games and there are events going on everywhere, many of them for FREE! And I have yet to drag my ass to a single event. Instead I have not been reading, nor have I been writing (as my blog can testify), I have not been pitching stories, working at the restaurant or even walking the dog very much. I have not been very social, I have not been shopping for clothes or baby gear, I have not been running to appointments as much as earlier months, and I have not even been sleeping very much. Where the hell have the days gone?
First off, I need to delete facebook. It is a big waste of time. Or rather it can prove to be a big waste of time if you are vulnerable to procrastination, which I am. Secondly, I need to prioritize my goals each day. Today I woke up late, read the news, went to the dentist for two hours, went to buy some dog stuff at the pet store, walked the dog for a couple hours and then went to a prenatal fitness class for an hour. After that I went to the restaurant (place of employment once weekly), and ate for a few hours. It has been four hours since the work out class ended and I am still sitting here in my workout clothes, even wearing my vest, thinking about how I should get up and refill my water. Where has my energy gone?
Perhaps I am mourning. Actually, I am sure that I am mourning. My first ever pup was put to sleep yesterday. 16 years old. He began having seizures and at first they were a week apart and the vet said he might be okay if they didn't start getting more frequent. They checked his blood work and urine and nothing came back irregular except his platelets. But then he seizured again, four times in the nighttime, each time with my mother holding him alone in the house. She said she decided it was enough when she held him as he shook and his face was bleeding from hitting the wall. She said he had enough. And from across the country I asked her to wait, but I knew that it wasn't my place. I wasn't seeing him the way she was seeing him. Just as she had seen my father deteriorate and I had remained a five hour flight away. So she took him to the vet. And the poor little guy did just the same as always, he tried to escape, he whined and wriggled away from the needle. They said it took three people to hold him down to put him to sleep.
The vet said it was likely a brain tumour or a cyst and it would have gotten worse, much worse, and fast. He was showing signs of dementia, walking in circles, getting lost in corners and falling asleep standing up. After each seizure he was losing more of his motor capabilities. But he was such a trooper. Just yesterday I was looking at him on Skype. Watching his head turn at the sound of my voice, from a million miles away. The poor guy, so close to his end but so unaware. I don't know where he is now. I don't know if he is in a better place. I don't know if he was in any pain at all. And the worst part is, I am not even sure if it was the right time. I don't know if he was ready.
My mother is heart broken. I didn't even think she liked Shadow, let alone would miss him. I don't think she knew she did either until the end. She called me to tell me that she was going to say good bye to him that day, but she choked on the words. I remained stone cold. I said nothing. I didn't know how I felt, until I started writing and now I know. I do feel something. I miss him so much. I wasn't ready for him to go. How can anyone ever be ready to say good bye, and over Skype of all things? I wanted to see him, to hold him, to pet him. I was nine years old when I picked him out at the pet store, and now he died across the country where I deserted him. Poor little guy.
Perhaps, if there is a heaven, my dad and Shadow can be together again. They can go for ridiculously long walks and sit in the sun and watch the water. Perhaps, they are in better places. Perhaps they are not alone. I always said I would be more upset if Shadow died then if anyone else in the whole world died. No one has ever loved me as much and as unconditionally as Shadow did. At 16 years of age, people asked if he was a puppy, he had so much energy and such a bounce to his gait that it could be easily mistaken. And now, he is a corpse, no longer running, no longer playing, no longer mine.
Good bye Shadow.
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