What Not To Do....

Things I have done that I would not recommend pregnant gals doing:

1) Sleeping in a friend's condo, just hours after it had been painted
2) Sleeping in that same condo in a double bed with my friend, her boyfriend and my dog
3) Getting a massage on your stomach (bumpy yet or not), the fear of something going wrong killed my ocean side couple massage at the Four Seasons. Not to mention the asshole massage therapist that was pushing down on my lower back enough to induce an abortion.
4) I would recommend that if you are in that aforementioned situation, you speak up and tell him to stop and allow you to roll to your side, I was too shy and regretted it for days.
5) Going for an open door helicopter ride. Bad idea. I didn't understand why the pilot called us adrenaline junkies, until I was reaching for the vomit bag.
6) I didn't find out where the vomit bag was before the flight took off. I actually had a mouth full of puke that I was swallowing and re puking as I tried to sign language to the Man that I needed a bag because I couldn't open my mouth and press the speaker button to tell the pilot. Always know where you are going to puke before you puke, especially in a very windy, open door helicopter with strangers.
7) Going to a Hawaiian Luau. Which is essentially a festival of eating lots of meat and watching skinny ladies shake it. Apparently pig that has been roasted in the ground beneath leaves and such for hours may pose a threat to a pregnant woman's fragile GI system. I spent New Years Eve realizing this.
8) Telling ladies at a Doula workshop that you are pregnant. I was still unsure of whether I was going to keep the babe, and they were busy telling me about their experiences, offering their doula services, mocking baby showers and boasting about blessing ceremonies......
9) Talking face to face with your partner after he has had gum surgery and not washed his bleeding teeth and wounds for five days, I still love you but....
10) Having your parents and the in-laws stay with you for a week while you are still in the first trimester and nauseated and bitchy and bitchy and bitchy....another really bad idea.
11) Going into McDonald's when you are nauseated. Eating it is okay, but I would recommend sending someone else or driving thru, the smell and sights of that place are enough to make me wanna....
12) Telling realtors you are pregnant. It suddenly becomes all about the children that are so far from being children rather than what we want.
13) Telling your friends about potential baby names. If they hate it, and they tell you, you will hate them. If they like it, they might steal it. It's a tricky spot, keep it inside.
14) Wearing super high heels and super tight pants (3 months preggers), riding a party bus through downtown, over several bridges, surrounded by drunken ladies throwing themselves on each other and inadvertently into bus benches and windows. Violent, bruises, out of control, very bad place to be pregnant.
15) Working at a stinky sushi restaurant during the nauseated stages.... A sushi restaurant that specializes in deep fried everything smothered in mayo....
16) Wrestling with your boxer pup who happens to be waist high on hind legs. She tends to live up to her name and has thrown a couple jabs into the belly, bit uncomfortable.
17) Going into an East Hasting hotel. Going into an East Hasting hotel and watching someone puke and having someone smoke in your face for an hour.
18) Riding a scooter in the blistering rain. It's a bit scary, and super depressing. And the road rage I have had lately should be guarded by a seat belt and a heavy door, not the easy access of swinging my fist into any asshole's window.
19) Buying lots of really nice, costly, tight fitting clothes that you think will last you a few months when you first get pregnant. Water retention.
20) Going over to your skinny friends house to try on dresses when you still don't have a bump but have still gotten bigger. The zippers wouldn't budge, it was a tad embarrassing.
21) Trying to get a job, when you are nauseated, exhausted and sometimes in a very bad mood. Perhaps the problem may lie in getting pregnant before having a secure full time job.
22) Prenatal yoga prior to having a protruding belly, see last post.
23) Reading about anybody else's pregnancy experience. It's contagious, what they feel you will start to feel. If your feet haven't swollen yet and you read about it, you will notice your feet start to bulge. If you are pregnant, stop reading. Sign off. Go watch Friends, and not the ones where Rachel is pregnant!
24) Sleeping on a blow up mattress that has been known to leak. Sleeping is hard enough these days and dreams are crazy enough, but that night I had to pump the mattress every hour and I couldnt stop dreaming about sinking on the Titanic. And if you aren't already slightly larger, you will steel feel massive in the morning when you can't get out of bed because you are sinking and have to call for help. But really, thank you for letting me stay over, just please get rid of your mattress.